How i felt..

It was a stupid mistake i made!!! to someone who dun even love me.. I realised i really make a wrong move at this point of time.. How i wish i could turn back time.. Im so sad wen i got to know about his lies towards me. Im here now enduring wad he is doing.. I hope he would change for a better..

I shared my strez with Dady Darwis yesterday.. I know its wrong to do that but i have noone else who i can share with.. Many things happened and i really dunno wad else to do... I have noone else.. I juz cried to myself... Either at work or at home... Started smoking heavily this few days... Was wondering if im gonna get better... Tonsils came back.. And i feel weaker each day.. Knowing im supposed to have at least 8 hours of rest, now i only have lesser den 8 hours...

Will have to end here... Getting ready for work...

Till the next post den... Da...

Friday, 10 December 2010

it was a unforgetable day for me.. its the first time i met Muhammad Adi Farhan.. a new fren made..

we went to the nearest park to chat.. we chat and laugh and we had great time.. we left at around 11.30pm coz i dun want him to miss the last bus home..

it took me awhile to meet him after knowing him for about two weeks.. giving him lame excuses everytime he asked to meetup.. well.. yesterday was an unplanned meeting.. he came to meet me in sports attire as he just finish his jog..

real frenship is really hard to find nowadays.. just like my bestie of 8 years, Mikhail Amran... and my bestie of 18 years, Mastura.. there are ups and down but i endured it and we still remain frens.. i hope my friendship with Adi will last long too..

till the next post den... daa.................

THANX

THANK YOU FOR DELETING ME FROM UR LIST..

why must all this happen?

APPROVING A FUNCTION ROOM BOOKING IS NOT YOU BUT ME!! IS IS DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND DAT? I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! SUSAH SANGAT KER NAK TANYA?  OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND ASK!! I HAVE ALREADY CONFIRMED THE BOOKING FOR ST HILDAS' AND NOW U SAID U ALREADY CONFIRM THE BOOKINGS FOR ISWANDI? WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT YOU DOING? YOU PISSED ME OFF TOO MANY TIMES!! I CANT STAND YOU!!

YOU JOLLY WELL KNOW IM NOT FEELING WELL YET YOU CAN DO THIS TO ME? I CAME TO WORK WEN IM NOT FEELING WELL JUST TO COMPLETE WAD IS NOT FINISH YET U GIVE ME MORE THINGS!!

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PISSED OFF, WELL YOU'RE WRONG!! IM PISSED OFF WITH YOU!! FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!! ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM SORRY!!! BUT I REALLY HATE SHARING

U KNOW THAT I HATE SHARING YET U STILL WANTS ME IN UR LIFE WHEN U ALREADY HAVE HER! I DID ASKED IF U WILLING TO LET HER GO BUT IGNORE THE QUESTION. WEN I WISH U ALL THE BEST WITH HER, U USED VULGARITY ON ME! U INSIST ME HAVING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH U BUT U STILL WITH HER!! WTF! I HAVE BEEN PATIENCE WITH U BUT WAD DID I GET? I GOT NOTHING! 

WHEN I FOUND SOMEONE WHO I LIKE, U GOT UPSET! BUT U NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL WHEN U HAVE UR WIFE! CUBA FAHAM PERASAAN AKU! 

MEMANG AKU SAYANGKAN KAU! AKU BOLEH BAHAGIAKAN KAU! TAPI SANGGUPKAH KAU LEPASKAN DIA? AKU TIDAK SUKA SHARE!!!!!! U KNOW ME TOO WELL!! U SHIOULD KNOW WAD I HATE!! I HATE SHARING!!!

I LET U HAVE THE LAST SAY!

IF MY TUMOUR GROW TO ANOTHER STAGE, AND I HAVE TO LEAVE THIS WORLD, SOMEONE WILL DEFINITELY INFORM YOU!! U DUN NEED TO KNOW WHO WILL INFORM U!

DARWIS DANIEL, 

HOPE U ARE HAPPY WITH HER AND I WISH U STOP BOTHERING ME AGAIN!

ADNAN...

I GUESS I HAVE TO STOP LIKING U!!! I FELT DAT IM NOT FIT FOR YOU. HOPE U ET A BETTER ONE.. 

HARISH NATH SINGH..

STOP LOVING ME CAUSE I CANT LOVE U! IM SORRY!

MUHAMMAD HADLY QUSYAIRIE @ MOHAMED AIDIL ABU BAKAR...

IM NOT STUPID LIKE HOW U THINK! JUST HAVE TO OPEN UR MOUTH AND SAY!!! HOPE U LEAVE ME ALONE TOO!! 

AZHAR ISMARDHI ISMAIL..

I KNOW U HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME.. BUT IM SORRY.. I CAN ONLY TREAT U LIKE A BROTHER.. WISH U GET A BETTER WOMAN...

I KNOW!

I know dat u are out there somewhere! Im not as stupid as u think! Wadever it is, if u want me to get out of ur life, just let me know! TELL ME! dun have to keep quiet and make me think u are inside!!! Wad the hell???!!!

Im telling u that i hate u rite now!!

Wad i want

How i wish that u make the first move!!

The reason i call u PUNAN is to make u happy.. Im sorry if u dun like it.. I want us to be like last time.. Being frens who help one another..

I remembered the day u saved me from up there. I appreciate wad u have done.. Thank you.. But now i felt dat we a drifting apart after wad i have said to u.. How i wish to turn back time.. Im sorry.. All i need is just for you to be frens.. I really need that frenship to make me happy..

1st November 2010

Today marks the day she is supposed to be her 21st birthday. How i wish she is still around to celebrate it with me.. I really miss her so much.. Four years have passed yet i still cant get over it.. Although there is up and downs between us, she still remain in my heart.. Lulu, if u can listen to my heart please note that i really miss u.. Wish u were here so i can share with u alot of things dat is happening.. I really didnt expect this to happen.. I let u go cause i know u will rest in peace.. Miss u so much!!

Love,
Kakak

Bitch

Received a text message from a bitch! Asking me to stop disturbing the "husband". Well excuse me!!! I got pissed off! Wad a bitch!! Hidup kalau seorang ustazah boleh uh nasihat pasal maruah!! Nie dia sendiri tkde maruah nk nasihat org!!!

ASTARGHFIRULLAH!!!!

Dun Ever Change!

it seems dat it is difficult to even talk to you.. texting u already tense me up... sometime i just cried cause i cannot get you.. it seems u changed alot.. i just missed the way you are.. the way you text me.. you once said that you will never missed a minute to text me.. look at you now? u text me like 1 msg per hour or it can comeout to 1 msg per 2 days.. even wen i called you, you would either reject or didnt pick up my call... giving excuses that your prepaid is low or no reception!  i sometimes got too worried!! but you wouldnt understand how i felt!! my love towards you have never change from the first day i know you.. how i wish to get the old you back in my life!!! i really mean dat!!

 

till the next post den... daaaaaaa........

Need him by my side

I need him by my side.. I know he wouldnt accept me by now as he is having someone else.. I might not be long here in this world.. All i need is love from someone.. Dear, if u read this please come back to my life.. At this moment, i dun want to be alone

OMG!!

was receiving treatment for my fever n diarrhea.. i asked this question: Doctor, why is the back of my neck very hard like a stone? and it made my neck stiff sometimes.. it hurts awhile.. but it went away.. Doctor replied: let me have a look.. ouh.. its actually... TUMOUR.. by den, i was too shocked to even say anything.. he continued, u should have it remove.. or it will effect the whole body.. I said thank you and left!

i was sad! obviously no one is by my side when i received this news! now not even my family members knows about it! i dun want my aunt to know!! my grandparents will have a shocked if they know it too... 

after knowing the news, my weight actually decreased!! i didn't have mood to eat or drink! i went to work normally and do my work as usual.. but i will just get tired easily and bored!! nowadays, im having INSOMNIA!! i really cant sleep!! 

i have to get back to bed! my granny's yelling at this time!! URGH!!

till the next post den.. da!! ):

how could you?

how could you do this to me?

wanna know if im really in love with u by hurting me and said that u r married? hell no!! yes i do love you! but when u told me that ur wife is pregnant, im sorry, i have to go out from ur life! i just dun want history to repeat! had it once, i tolerate, had it twice, i remain calm, this is the 3rd! i cannot stand it anymore!!

reason for u to do this to me is to test me? u test my patience enuf! its too hurt for me to stay in the position where im hanging in the mid air!

first u told me that u are married... i accept.. i kept quiet although it hurts me.. 2nd u told me u dun have any feelings for her.. i accept it.. it hurts bt i overcomes it.. 3rd u told me ur wife is pregnant.. i told myself i had to move on.. u build that family and i dun intend to break it! i moved on! 4th wen i moved on, and found someone who is willing to love me, u confessed to me that u r not married! WTH??  this is where i dunno which is true? there is no proof!! u making me like... URGH!!!!

after all the bruises in my heart starting to cure, u again give me cuts.. this time it really tore my heart! i tak sangka u  buat i macam nie!! how could you!!

SHOULD I TAKE A BREAK? VACATION TO EASE MY TENSION?

ARGH!! i really dunno wad else to do! i dun even know who to believe!!! wad a life??

For M Darwis Daniel

It gonna sound awful! but this song is for you!

till the next post den.. da!!

u never fail to make me smile

hi all.. i was in low mood since thursday.. and got the news of Hadly accident.. he almost leave us.. bt with the prayers from family and friends, ALHAMDULILLAH he's fine now.. without this news, i wouldnt know wad is his feeling and his fantasy.. his sister, Yatee, updates me about him.. we chat and she told me abt his bother wish just before he got into the accident.. Hadly wanted to get engage.. he was fond of someone, which at first i dun know who.. after awhile, his sister told me that the person he wants to get engage was ME! i got a shocked!!! i was speechless.. i didnt realised all this while he was fond of me.. i just know him for barely three weeks.. i couldnt say anything..

he text me just one day after he woke up from his 3 days sleep.. he said he was sorry cause didnt manage to text me.. (he didnt know that i knew abt his accident and his engagement plans) i continue texting him as normal. i ask him abt the engage thingy and he said yes he want to engage.. but he said that he have not meet the girl that he want to engage with.. i just assume i dun know anything.. he den finally admit that the girl who he wants to get engage to is me.. i went... WWHHHOOOOAAA! i just didnt ask much cause i dun want to get hurt again. i just pretend this never happen.

wadever it is, im happy to lead a new relationship with Muhammad Hadly Qusyairie Bin Abu Bakar. he never fail to make me smile.. i hope this relationship goes well as we plan..

got to end here.. going to meet him later..

in the next post den... da..

Saturday 18 September 2010

hey all... been busy with work and hari raya.. eventhough didnt go out or celebrate, i still got loads of workloads. been having ot at work.. meaning, more money to come.. and more leaves to come.. hopefully im able to go on leave on december this year.. have not even confirm going where.. tot of going either with harnizah or with mai. still thinking.. hmmm if i go penang, i have to go with harnizah.. if i go kl, i can go with anyone.. can go with mai or harnizah or both! dunno.. still making decisions.. really wanted to go for enjoyable time and spend time without any family member.. i wanna have fun!

past few days, i quarrelled with harish and we have made decision to end the relationship with no regrets. i feel that the relationship at the rate we are going thru is not working and its wasting my time.

den suddenly a day after i end with harish, darwis daniel text me.. calling names which he used to call me.. tears of memories run down my cheeks.. the song Dambaan reminds me about him. the way i love him is never been erase out of my mind! i dunno why, i still love him. and because of this, i still cant forget him. i tend to think of him whenever i was in relationship with someone else. i just cannot forget darwis daniel. althugh he always said he misses me, but that cannot be true.. he's married! i rather be alone den having to be hurt by someone. i shouldnt have fall in love. cause everytime i did, i surely got hurt!!! either they get their own life or god loves him more!! i just hate being hurt over and over again. i just hope to settle down with someone who love me for wad im and not someone who wants to change me.

Hari raya? not for me.. i dun have anyone to celebrate with.. this year is the most unhappy hari raya for me. no darwis and danish. both of them celebrated with their new family member.. me? with noone! i occupy my time with work... killing time in office doing work so that i wont think about my unhappiness.

currently now in office.. writting this blog cause i really felt heavy. my mind full of things thats not supposed to be in there.. i guess i will end here or else i will have my cheeks wet of unhappiness tears...

till the next post...

Dya );

wad i do always wrong for u...

i just dunno wad else to say and do! wad did i do to u wrong? if you are good enuf, why dun you do it urself? why need me to help? i really cannot tolerate anymore from you!!! i had enuf ok! this is not my prooject. im gud enuf to help u since ive done this before. yet u yell at me and telling me wad i did was all wrong for u?? so now u telling me that i dunno know how to run the project and my previous project was unsuccessful? WTH? my previous project got very good response and it eventually was the most successful one since i join three years back! i know i just join as fulltime for less den 6 mths yet i can prove that my event was successful and i even got credits by Bosses.. im not talking about 1 but 2 Bosses!!! i took my initiative to help u sorce for things and do up poster!! u didnt even say any thank u?wad is this? im handing it all over to u because im not deployed and im not part of this project! THANX FOR NOT DEPLOYING ME! think for yourself!! y other parents or coaches trust me more den they trust u!!! everybody seems to hate u more!! because y? ask urself! u have such an attitude who noone likes! im not the type of person who like to hate other people for ntg! i will hate u forever!! i dun give a damn on this anymore!! when i say i hate u means i hate u!!! i thank god that u lost the precious things.. i may not know who took it but im greatful enuf! serve him right!!

Random tots

hey peeps... im back...!! 

i really dunno wad to write but i have alot to share which can actually release some strezz  from my head!!  

first is regarding harish and me. it seems that our relationship is just like normal frens. i dunno know y but i feels dat sometimes, i dun remeber if he even exists. these few days, we started to text each other. i tried my best to win his heart bt i just couldnt do it. we quarreled bt i seems to remain calm. he wanted to end this relationship and to my surprised, i said ok.. wad was i doing?? i was like: did i just said ok?  he remain quiet for a few hours bt continue to text me and said he was truly sorry... his vulgarity was up to my nerves den.. i remain chill.. he told me dat he misses me so much.. and apologised for wad he did.. he insist to start afresh. by then is the start of fasting month. i was down with fever on the first day of fasting. very high fever indeed. he still says the word: I LOVE YOU! and i would go like: me too! thanx!! 

while having fever, and while resting after taking half day leave from work, Darwis text me. we were texting just like we used to. the feeling was there.. i miss him den.. it was nice to text with him. wen we started to quarrel and the hot topic was him gt married!! (wad a topic!) we quarreled and things got into emotionally bad.. i gt hit by it!! makes me think of him now and den... 

come back to Harish, i suddenly ask him if he is willing to convert. he said no and he prefers CIVIL MARRIAGE instead. i said ok and was taken aback by his words. wad abt our children den? wad race are going to be? all these questions ran abt in my head. i asked if his parents agrees on this ideas he said yes of course they will. does he really wants me to be his wife??  absolutely yes he wants me as his wife. while texting with him, Darwis was texting me on the other page asking me to forget him eventhough i cant. i was more emotionally upset wen he said dat to me.. the more he said it the more upset i was and the more i was thinking to end my life with the CIVIL MARRIAGE although Darwis stopped me. 

why should he stopped me wen he himself left me n gt married? having said dat, now i feel dat it is better to start afresh with Harish. although i cannot 100% forget Darwis, at least i have someone who can be my listening ears.. 

about the CIVIL MARRIAGE thingy, i think i will have to think it over again.. its nt as simple as we think. my family wont be able to accept it.. 

well, i have to be strong now. i hope i will overcome all this and settle this on my own. i have faith n i believe dat i can go thru this!! 

in my next post den.. daaa....   

MOTIVATION KEEPS ME ALIVE

work was easy..but getting along was not as simple.. did the best but still cannot impress my other staffs. although im a full timer, everyone treats me like a part timer. sometimes i felt regrets after joining. but i must think.. i got responsibilities which i cannot let go. i felt down but i have to be strong to face it.
he left me and got married! again i felt down. i calm myself and stand tall. it was such a pain and i almost went to depression mode. luckily there are still people around me who help to cheer me up. thanx to those people. i appreciate it loadz!
April 2010 is not a good birthday for me this year. on the day of my birthday, god loves him more den i do. he went away without saying the last bye. he was killed in an accident. again i was hit by a drepression. it didnt last long. my aunt cheer me up with an unplanned trip. i stood up by the time i reached home. i told myself that i should be strong and hoped all the sadness be far away from me...
thank god dat im fine now. alot of frenz motivate me.. they gave me strength to carry on. now im motivated enuf to get back to work and aim for my best. thanx people for the supportz all this while...
THANX!!
more upcoming projects is in the list.. one of them is our very own monthly trials... im going to take charge of the upcoming course... its gonna be my 1st ever course. maybe i should take it just like the way i handle my lecture class before.. it should be happening!!!
after waiting for that fren of mine who went missing, he finally called me this evening.. he MIA due to some technical course which he was sent to. he was in Kuala Lumpur for his course which lasted for a year! didnt manage to talk to him long because i was eating wen he called.. but he promised me that he will call me tmrw.. and i trust him.. i miss u badly bestie..

i miss my sister!!!

i shouldnt have fall in love. cause everytime i did, i surely got hurt!!! either they get their own life or god loves him more!! i just hate being hurt over and over again. i just hope to settle down with someone who love me for wad im and not someone who wants to change me.

Imran Ajmain - Jika Engkau Pergi